what we pretend to be
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. - Kurt Vonnegut in Mother Night
Right now, I am pretending to be someone who wants to be there for friends in need.
Who is ready to "drop everything" when a friend reaches out.
Who constantly worries if his friends are okay, but rarely if ever checks in on them or makes plans to meet up.
Who is numbed out on "antipsychotics" or more accurately tranquilizers.
Who has only pushed his rampant self hatred further down, because one month is not enough time to magically not be suicidal anymore.
Who still only does what he wants, when he wants to; not what people around him need, when they need it.
Who writes, reads, meditates, rearranges and smiles through conversations, all while giving nothing up.
I wanted to try and figure out next steps here, but a map is useless without a vehicle to get you where you need to go.
The map, at least from a high vantage point, is clear.
The destination of acceptance, appreciation, and action is marked and labeled.
The various roads there are drawn clearly, often intersecting along the way.
Many vehicles near me stand ready, waiting for me to climb on board.
And I wait.
Might as well be for Godot.
Consuming, thinking, writing, as day by day go by.
A few next steps are clear.
Firstly, gently and precisely rest awareness in the present moment.
Begin again.
Give right now full compassionate attention.
Secondly, give people space to share and hear what they say.
Respond truthfully and ideally matching their vibe, with the goal of being a caring friend.
Help friends in need, and if their goals align with mine, work towards them together.
Thirdly, give back to the people who gave me so much.
My parents first and foremost, by holding down a stable job and being genuinely joyful and playful at home.
My community by deeper involvement in local activities, something I've been lacking for years.
Start at the library and find a group to volunteer with.
Find a job that pushes me to learn social skills and how to collaborate.
Focus as much as possible on how I make the people I work with feel and the value I contribute, and focus as little as possible on being Smaug-like.
Fourthly, laugh and poke fun at how deadly serious and stuck up I am.
It is absurd how seriously I take myself, and the best medicine for that is to laugh at how silly I actually act.
Whenever I notice that I'm so serious about something like journaling or the next task to do, appreciate how absurd any of this is, and allow myself space to lighten up.
Now let's do it.