fear of judgement
where i'm at
enough fucking around
my life is in shambles
at least it certainly feels that way to me
things are obviously fine on the surface
i'm taking time off from work to "work on myself"
i'm hanging out with friends nearly daily while showing less and less of my actual self
i spend most of my time thinking about "what to do" and not doing much of anything
if i'm being honest, i spend most of my time trying to get rid of thoughts that only come back stronger when pushed away
i spend most of my time in fear of
probably in fear of myself
that's bullshit
i'm afraid to fail and to be judged for failing
so i don't even try
then i hate myself for not trying
and inevitably i force myself to try out of self-hatred
which is largely why it feels like my life is in shambles
i'm afraid to admit i don't know things
i'm afraid of looking stupid
afraid of asking for help
and the more i internalize this mindset
the more i project it onto others
leading to where i am at
miserable
and often causing others misery in our interactions, whether consciously or not
so that's where i am at right now.
understanding and accepting this deeply is the only place i can possibly begin
where i want to go
fears of failure (and being judged for it), "looking stupid" (being judged as less than), and asking for help (believe it or not being judged for being weak)
these are my working basis
this is where to begin
where do i want to go from here?
i ultimately want to live in joy and bring joy to others
i ultimately want to love myself and love others/the world deeply and truly
eudaimonia
ikigai
there's been countless names for it over the millenias humans have been around
but it seems in my unique path through this life
the way to true joy and love
is blocked by fears of judgement by "other people"
which is why i close off
don't share
let my emotions and thoughts fester
until i need inpatient psychiatric care
or worse
this is almost certainly why glimpses of the openness, interdependence, and emptiness of existence terrify me so much
realizing there is no "other" or "me" means i can't hide from "judgement"
the idea of hiding who i am out of fear of being judged completely breaks down
there's nowhere to hide
it can be liberating
or it can destroy you
the difference between me being liberated or destroyed seems to be how much i've built up or let go of my defences against the other
as i write this i've failed once again
i've been seduced, as Gournamond warned Parsifal not to be
this is where my train of thought breaks down
where i again come back to the working basis of fear
and begin again in the irreconcilable pursuit of letting go of the barriers i have constructed between me and the other
this is also where this post will likely end
thank you if you read this far
i hope you got some use out of me working things out
moreover, i hope it inspires you to work things out for yourself
everyone's journey is beautifully unique
i wish you the best of luck on yours
my influences in writing this
certainly many friends and family have influenced my thoughts here more than any books or articles i've read
it's because of them that i can see a way out of my suffering
more specific influences include the works of Pema Chodron, Chogyam Trungpa, as well as "He: Understanding Masculine Psychology" by Robert A Johnson and especially "The Self-Love Workbook" by Dr. Shainna Ali, which I seriously began my journey in using today
thank you and take care